I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
