Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
