if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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