I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
