I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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