enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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