So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
