The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
