The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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