he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
