just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
