i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
