im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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