Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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