Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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