Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
