getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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