you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
