I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
