I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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