Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
