you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
