remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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