hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
mondays should just be called national damage control day
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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