Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
