the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
