she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
