I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
