He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
