some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
