seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
