she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
