i think my tv is drunk
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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