I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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