Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
