Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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