I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
