just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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