He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
