Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
then he tried to convert me to islam
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
