You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
