the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
