I cannot find my penis.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
