i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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