did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
