i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
