the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
