dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
