My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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