Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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